Of all the myths that are perpetuated by Queer Eye For The Straight Guy (and there are many, mainly to do with gay men liking musicals and having miracle cures for bad haircuts) the worst was on an episode I watched this week. Truthfully, it’s a couple of weeks old in the UK (and possibly sooo last season in the US) but still it’s aggravated me for a few days and I feel compelled to set the record straight (if you’ll forgive the pun). Oh, and it has nothing to do with gay men.

And while I am on the subject, pity the poor people of Colchester who – in the episode in question – were called a suburb of London. That’s like saying Dallas is a suburb of New York. Which it isn’t. Clearly. I know jet lag can be a problem for some people flying East but really, Fab Five, buy an A-to-Z (and that’s Zed not Zee).

Anyway, here we go.

Nobody in Britain eats cucumber sandwiches.

There, I’ve said it. Nobody in Britain eats cucumber sandwiches. And those that may be tempted have long since given up cutting the crusts of the them. And if you’re going to use cress don’t use the broad-leaf stuff; the cress of a cucumber sandwich must stick between the gaps in your teeth (which, I must remember, Americans do not have being so found of expensive dental care). But still, if you see cucumber sandwiches on the menu in Britain they are aimed at one market only: visitors with too much money to spend. So, don’t be fooled that you are following in the thousand-year-old habits of a once great Empire. No, you are being hoodwinked. Don’t fall for it.

If you really must have a traditional British sandwich, try Coronation Chicken on brown. It was invented for the Queen’s Coronation and has been popular with the British people ever since.

Honest (actually, ignore my sarcasm because it was invented for the Coronation) but I couldn’t think of another sandwich with which to mock you. If you know of a Sandwich that can be used to mock people let me know.

On this day…

• 2003: To Be A Politician